Miss Fogarty’s Christmas Cake

By C. Frank Horn, 1883

As I sat in me window one evening
A letterman came unto me
With a nice little gilt invitation
Saying "Gilhooley come over for tea".
I knew that the Fogarties sent it,
So I went for old friendship's sake,
But the first thing they gave me to tackle
Was a piece of Miss Fogarty's cake.

There were plums and prunes and cherries,

There was citrons and raisins and cinnamon, too,
There was nutmeg, cloves, and berries,
And a crust that was nailed on with glue!
There were caraway seeds in abundance 
It would build up a fine stomach ache
It would kill a man twice after eating a slice 
Of Miss Fogarty's Christmas cake! 

Miss Mulligan wanted to taste it, 
But really there wasn't no use,
For they worked at it over an hour 
And couldn't get none of it loose
Till Murphy he went for the hatchet 
And Kelly came in with a saw.
That cake was enough by the powers above 
For to paralyze any man's jaw.

There were plums and prunes and cherries,

There was citrons and raisins and cinnamon, too,
There was nutmeg, cloves, and berries,
And a crust that was nailed on with glue!
There were caraway seeds in abundance 
That would give you a fine stomach ache
That would kill a man twice after eating a slice 
Of Miss Fogarty's Christmas cake!

Miss Fogarty, proud as a peacock, 

Kept smiling and blinking away
Till she tripped over Flanagan's brogans 
And spilled a whole brewing of tea.
"Oh, Gilhooley", she cried, "you're not eating!
Try a little bit more for my sake!"
"No, thank you", says I, "I've no courage to try 
To force down any more of that cake.”

There were plums and prunes and cherries,

There was citrons and raisins and cinnamon, too,
There was nutmeg, cloves, and berries,
And a crust that was nailed on with glue!
There were caraway seeds in abundance 
That would give you a fine stomach ache
That would kill a man twice after eating a slice 
Of Miss Fogarty's Christmas cake!

Maloney was took with the colic, 
McNaulty complained of his head,
O'Donnell lay down on the sofa 
And swore that he wished he was dead.
Miss Bailey fell down in hysterics 
And her legs, they did wriggle and shake
And everyone swore they were poisoned
Just from eating Miss Fogarty's cake.

There were plums and prunes and cherries,

There was citrons and raisins and cinnamon, too,
There was nutmeg, cloves, and berries,
And a crust that was nailed on with glue!
There were caraway seeds in abundance 
That would give you a fine stomach ache
That would kill a man twice after eating a slice 
Of Miss Fogarty's Christmas cake!

Though the taste is seductive, it makes me reflexive: 

Miss Fogarty's Christmas cake.