I am so very broken, hurt, and traumatized by my agonies.
The LORD holds me. He has held me from before when life was simple, and certainly, He holds me now, in all the agonies. I am so very blessed even in my brokenness.
Glory to God!
I often find myself thinking, “when will this brokenness be over?” I just want to “feel” better, “feel” normal, “feel” like other people who, at least, seem fine.
I forget that “this” is not about me. It is NOT all about me!
I am here, a child of the LORD God! My life is His, and He has allowed this long-standing trauma into my life. My brokenness, although so very uncomfortable, has been refining me in ways nothing else could have done. He has drawn me closer to Himself, and how very precious this has been!
Life, no matter how difficult, is about glorifying the LORD.
What joy it is when I am thinking rightly. This is when I can easily remember the joy of the LORD no matter what is happening my life. He is with me. He has never left me. He was there before the perniciousness of the trauma was brought into the light, and also all those terrible days, months, years of heartaches which became like chaos. He has held me tightly, showed me His joy, and I have lived one day at a time, waiting for resolution here on earth or in glory.
Living one day at a time in His joy has given me a whole different perspective. I barely look ahead. This is a strange thing. Seasons pass and I wonder where the time flies. I am living, and truly living fully for Him each day, I just do not grasp the time factor as I had before all the trauma.
It has been a choice of mine because the LORD has not forced me to be joyful in Him. I have many times through these years chosen to be sad, grumpy, angry… but thankfully I have remembered Him, and come back to Him in humbleness.
Praising Him for His gentleness in drawing me back to Himself!
Meanwhile, the World sees me. I do not what to be seen. I do not want to talk and share because this often means I will later suffer emotionally at home. I just want to live, and not stand out.
Sometimes I do not want to be "happy" and smile. But most of the time I just live, and I live for Him, and so His joy comes out of me no matter what I am doing. Smiling and happiness is like a by-product of His joy in me.
It doesn't seem very important, but I know and understand how people can be affected. Just acknowledging another person’s existence, or doing menial tasks for others, being kind, or having an open demeanor to others has the LORD shining through me. It is a marvel, and I can't really explain it, or even teach it, I only know you just have to do it with Him being the most important One in your life.
I am nobody special. Anyone can choose to live in His joy no matter what their circumstances. It is up to each of us to choose rightly for Him. It is our personal response to whatever comes into our lives which matters. And so I encourage others to respond rightly for the LORD.
When we choose to respond rightly in our circumstances to glorify God with our lives, people notice us. We stand out from the crowd, and sadly, even in Christian crowds we stand out.
I can expect certain people to think I am only living this way, and doing these things to make myself look good. --Hogwash-- I can't help what they think, so I just smile, and move on. I do not have time for their foolishness when I am living for Him.
Other people will notice and be touched by the kindness, the politeness, or perhaps just my demeanor. Thankful they have been blessed through me, I pray that these people may be so touched that they seek the Creator, the Savior in His truth.
My dear friends know of my agonies, and notice how I choose to live fully for the LORD.
They marvel at how I can carry on in life, not necessarily understanding how I can do this -- until they go through their own traumas, and so learn how the LORD truly does carry each of us, if we allow it.
This topic is in my head. I live every day choosing to do rightly for Him. I can not get away from my agonies which seem to hang on me like moisture on a muggy day. It is a reality of my life, like a missing limb, or one of my senses taken from me.
How I survive is the LORD seemingly holds me above the storms so that, most of time, the pain is "managed" even though my circumstances do not change. I can "see" the agonies, but I am with Him, and so I am okay in those moments. It is an awesome, precious time to feel so loved by Him.
In those times when the agonies are raw and so very real, I still know He is with me. Perhaps He is allowing me to remember from what He is protecting me. Even these raw times are precious with Him. I know whom has redeemed me!
"I am not ashamed: for I know whom I have believed and I am convinced that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him until that day." 2 Timothy 1:12
This week when I was cleaning the house, and dusting I came across the gift from a precious young sister in Christ. She has her own agonies and she chooses to live for the LORD also. Years ago I had gotten to know her simply, and then always touched base with her, then sometimes going out of my way to encourage her, care for her in her sadnesses, and to just love her.
"We love, because He first loved us." 1 John 4:19
I did these things because the LORD is in me, He loves me, He cares for me, He encourages me. I just do, it is just normal for me. So I did not realize how I had touched her so tenderly until she showed up for Mother's Day one year.
Her gift was herself, but along with her hugs and tears of love she gave me a token. It was a girl holding a huge bouquet of pink roses, and a card which said:
For a Phenomenal Woman
She has a smile that lights up any room
and a giving, loving heart...
She knows just how to make you laugh --
she's gentle, kind and smart...
She loves completely
and unconditionally --
she cares for others' needs..
She is an inspiration
to all who know her --
She is a phenomenal woman, indeed!
I praise God! but I do not think of myself this way. I only live in the moment. And I keep my eyes on the One who never leaves me. The One whose character I trust with my life. He is my One and Only.
"The Word became flesh and made His dwelling among us. We have seen His glory, the glory of the One and Only who came from the Father, full of grace and truth."
John 1:14, NIV
May we be found faithful!