Tuesday, November 13, 2018

You know you are raising a wolverine when*:

Photo by I. Shpilenok, The Wolverine Way, by D. Chadwick

-His paws were as big as his head as a baby.

-He is always foraging for food.

-He thinks your toes, fingers, and elbows are prey.

-He knocks everything off your walls.

-He thunderously lopes through the house murmuring "ers" and "erps".

-He can't be found in the morning.

-He can scale the heights of every piece of furniture you own.

-He uses you as a spring board to get to the heights.

-He pulls out his dry food and pitches it all over the house like prey.

-He shreds every paper product in your home.

-He is always on the hunt for illegal prey, such as foil, earrings...

-He walks around in stealth mode so we do not notice him.

-He runs at top speed from one end of the house to the other.

-He lays and stretches, practically touching wall to wall.

-He never sleeps through the night, thus, you are sleep deprived.

-He doesn't recognize your authority, so "no" is not in his vocabulary.

You know your wolverine is becoming domesticated when:

-He sits on the heat register.

-He curls up in your lap every night.

-He LETS you hug him.

-He hardly ever notices the toilet paper roll.

-He sleeps through the night.

-He sleeps in the same room with you.

-He purrs when all you do is talk to him.

-You arrive home and rarely find a disaster waiting for you.

*this is all, of course, hyperbole.

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