Wednesday, March 9, 2016

Gossip #4 Finally! Final Thoughts

Oh, ugh...My goodness....Here I am again writing about Gossip.  I have to admit that I am sick of this subject.  I suppose this may be because of the painful memories I have had to contemplate just to write only minute (tiny) parts to make a point.  It is no wonder it has taken 3 years to post this information on Gossip.

In my first post, "Thoughts on Gossip", I was thankful for the commenter who pointed out how abusers can further abuse their victims by unjustly accusing them of gossiping.

Anonymous said:

"I would add this: "gossip" is often an accusation leveled at abuse victims who are trying to seek help and counsel. It's a means of trying to make them be quiet, and not bring the wicked deeds of the abusers to the light."

We have certainly dealt with these accusations through all of these years from our own pernicious "certain group of people" ( Grand Manipulators/Controllers).

After a person has been manipulated and controlled, I do not think they can ever forget the feelings, the fear, the anxiousness of when they were controlled by their Abusers.  They now have "Red Flags" popping up all throughout their life in all sorts of subject matters.  It is like a door has been opened to detect deception. 

"Once you learn to discern, there's no going back. You will begin to spot the lie everywhere it appears"

I have heard it said that former abuse victims can see the "Red Flags" of others (manipulators and controllers) even though other people do not see it.


Although this is a really good thing for the former victims, sometimes other 'normal' people may scoff at you for being so "critical" of others. We have certainly seen this in so many Christians who are not thinking Biblically, but only with their feelings.  

Do not discount your "Red Flags", but be cautious as you deal with other people.


When the Abuser continues to try to control you even when you are no longer part of them, these horrible feelings can be 'front and center' to some degree. I can remember how I used to handle their accusations, with fear and trembling, until time passed and I remembered who I was in Christ and, then, I finally began to think rightly even when they would accuse. Praise God!

Abusers definitely want to hide their sins!  After all, they have put themselves way up on that (unholy) pedestal they built for themselves.  It has taken years of manipulations and control of innocent people they have used and abused.    

When you (one of their victims) actually speaks up and points out their evil, they can not allow this! They must do all they can to discredit you and destroy you, if you do not obey and be quiet.  They will use all their minions (the other victims of their manipulation and control) to where you begin to question yourself because in the past you have trusted the minions!

Just one of a zillion examples I could share:

We have never shared everything of our ordeals of our agony out in public, but we have asked for prayer once in a while. The Manipulators' sins are already known, one reason is because they have a huge history of their behavior and the other is because the whole church body knew. In the past our counselors have tried to speak with our Manipulators privately.  I say all this to show that the Manipulators really do not know all that we have shared, only that we have spoken with certain others. 

*Anyone who is deceptive will assume evil is being perpetrated against them.  This is where their minds go.

*It is really a gross thing to "watch" pernicious people connive in their evil schemes.

My one example: Years later out of the blue we were told, "you can see 'so and so' if you repent and communicate to everyone all over the world and telling them that you are the evil people."

The ridiculousness of this demand was laughable, if it wasn't so tragic.  

Can you see the "Red Flags"?


We live in the long standing accusations for years now.  It is a difficult road, but the LORD is with us.  We have His Word, and He gave us trusted, solid Christian friends who we counsel us when the manipulators mess with our thinking.  Meanwhile, we live our lives for the LORD and glorify His name.

Two more thoughts:

Sin, any sin, can lead to a deeper sin and then to other sins.  Gossip is just one of the sins.  You need to realize that what you feed is what will grow. Stop feeding your sins!

Galatians 5:13-15
"For you were called to freedom, brethren; only do not turn your freedom into an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. 
For the whole Law is fulfilled in one word, in the statement, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”
But if you bite and devour one another, take care that you are not consumed by one another.


Anonymous said...

Hi Jill,

I totally agree with you. Once you've been abused, you get more keen on detecting the "red flags".

Another related thought - "attitudinal sins" are often used as ad hominem attacks against a person who has been abused. I'm sure you've seen it... charges of "you're just bitter", or "you are prideful", or "you have a critical spirit" are often leveled against the wounded, when they are crying out for help and wanting to see justice. The worst is being told that you're guilty of being "unforgiving" when you are seeking true repentance (vs cheap grace) from the one who sinned. Anything to silence you, and let the sins of the abuser go without correct accountability.

Another sad truth is that good Biblical doctrines like a man's headship in his household, or properly submitting to godly church leadership have often been grossly misused by controlling or abusive persons. The double tragedy is when these good Biblical doctrines are then dismissed by the victims (kind of like throwing out the baby (the good doctrines) with the bathwater (the gross misuse of those doctrines)). Unfortunately it is a tendency to reject truth, especially when you see truth abused by those in "authority".

One can understand why a victim would start to reject Biblical truth when they've seen those truths misused to the detriment of many. The answer lies in compassionately counseling and comforting the wounded, affirming those good doctrines as true (including correctly explaining them), and (the real key!) strongly holding those who abuse accountable for their wicked deeds.


Anonymous said...

One more thought... victims of abuse are not immune to sinning themselves. Victims *can* certainly harbor bitterness, resentment, unforgiveness... HOWEVER, often the only way these sins can be addressed in a victim is through the help of their own personal, genuine Christian friends. When trust has been established with someone, and you know they truly care for you, then their insight into your own personal struggles with sinful attitudes is welcome help.

Unfortunately, many pastors/elders and "professional" Christian counselors (who don't even exist in the Bible, but that is another comment for another day!), often do not take the time to truly hear out the victim's full story or grieve with them over the injustice that was done to them. Instead, they often wield the written word of God like a sledgehammer, further injuring the victim. This can be especially painful when the pastor/elder/counselor doesn't take the sins of the abuser seriously enough. This can be unbearably painful when the one who sinned is an authority (husband, elder) and the victim is pushed by another authority (a pastor/elder) into further submission to a person who hasn't truly repented!

Sorry for the mini-tome between by last comment and this... I guess I just had to get this off my chest.


The Piper's Wife said...

Carolyn, I completely agree. All of us must always watch ourselves deep within because bitterness is very easy to grow in us even when we think we are doing fine.

I also agree with the "Christian Counselor and Pastor comment". The Body does not necessarily serve the wounded. The wounded are no listened to, come alongside, grieved with, nurtured, and loved by the Body as it should be. Yes, this all takes much effort! Speaking as a victim, I know I have been ignored. Only by God's wonderful grace did I continue to follow Him instead of turning away.

I am thankful you vented. Everything you have stated I have also seen or heard of from other victims. My experience has been that other extremely wounded Believers minister to other extremely wounded Believers, while the Body tends to "play" church. Walking alongside the wounded is an exhausting thing, physically, mentally, emotionally. For the Wounded to help the wounded ~~ well, it is a very tough road.

I am sorry that you have had to see such things and have experienced them. The Church is full of sinners, but this can not be used as an excuse!

Where has compassion gone? Where has common courtesy gone? Where has the love of the Body gone?

The Culture has become callous, and so the Church. We know that the Church at large has been choosing poorly, has gone bad, or is legalistic/cult like. These things do not surprise us and we grieve greatly!

The solution can not be waiting for the Body to behave, to glorify God and do what is right! We who have been victims and those who choose to act biblically MUST just continue to do what is right in our own sphere. Exhaustion is the norm for us, but we have the LORD. We do not have time to wait.

Praise the LORD for His strength and His compassion!

Anonymous said...

Well said, Jill.