I was thinking today...

"Why are you in despair, O my soul?

And why are you disturbed within me?

Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him,

The help of my countenance and my God."

Psalm 43:5

"I was thinking today..."

These are the four scary words for me to say as I begin to speak with my Beloved, my counselor.

Even more scary than this would be, “I was vacuuming today...”  which means I was thinking. Thinking while vacuuming is actually rare because we have hardwood floors now.

What is it about holidays?  

Oh, yes, memories, happiness, turning to agonies, and then the fighting righteous anger and ugly bitterness.  At least I am at the LORD's feet, praises! 

These last years I have begun to feel "fine" and be normal the weeks before a holiday, even just the week before a holiday. I even begin to believe that I have overcome the great sadness which clouds any special times of the year.

I think traumas, agonies, and tragedies never really leave your memories, your heart; they only go deeper inside of you.  For me, they sure did come out today while "I was thinking."

I was thinking all of the same things, "why, how, when..." which I know there is no answer, only the LORD knows.  

I trust Him.  

His character is to never leave you, always try to woo you back to Him, never let you go or get away with your sins.  

At least I know He is working in me in my agonies, in my life. Just like I counsel other women, though, you can only do your job before the LORD. You can not make anyone else do anything, you can not do their job for them, or make them change, it is their job to listen to the LORD rightly and choose to obey Him.  

You can only do your job before the LORD.

Even though my anger is righteous and I am not sinning with this righteous anger, if I dwell on my righteous anger it will lead to unrighteousness and definitely into bitterness.

Oh, bitterness.   

Working always on bitterness.  I can think I am doing well and even doing good at not allowing bitterness into my heart/mind, when just one thing can happen where that bitterness certainly comes out of my mouth, or maybe just in my mind.  

This is when I realize that bitterness is like a dried up weed pitched into the compost in the hot dry summer.  There is no way that dried up old weed could survive, but sure enough weeks can go by when it rains and that dead weed is revived, and if allowed, it will thrive.

Bitterness is like this dried up dead weed.  It is just waiting for a little encouragement and , poof, it begins to show it has a life after all.  I have seen bitterness up close and personal in certain people I know.  It is gross and it is ugly.  There is no way I want to become bitter because I live for the LORD, but knowing what it looks like, and acts like, gives me more than a word picture of horror.

How can we go on when we have such traumas in our lives?  

We must always read His Word, preach to ourselves, have someone trustworthy remind us of His truths when we falter.  Do not give in to your anger, do not feed your bitterness.  This life is not fair, for sure, but God can work in you.  This life is not the end all.  We have our Hope in Jesus and someday we will see His face and celebrate praises in His freedom!

Find great comfort in these words:

"Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Do not lose heart, sisters! The LORD knows your sadnesses, He is your comfort and strength.  Spend your time reaching out to Him, knowing that He is the One who is carrying you.  

Do your job in obedience for Him, and thus, glorifying Him. 

This will be our joy in life!